Missionary blessings

For the last year and a half I have literally wanted to pull my hair out due to B not being fully potty trained, knowing that kindergarten is just around the corner.  We go through several panties and outfits a day.  Her bedroom carpet needs to be replaced due to so many accidents but I can't do it until I know that she won't continue to pee everywhere.  She's seen many doctors and had many tests, ultrasounds, & MRIs, we've disciplined, we've threatened kindergarten, we've bribed, I've read, I've made potty charts, we've bought I don't know how many pull ups, and still, the peeing continues.  It was about a month or so ago that out of frustration, D got after me telling me that I needed to set aside all decorating, painting, projecting and blogging and just potty train our daughter!  I could not believe he said that!  Kind of like, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!!!  I flopped myself over B's bed and began wailing.  I was at a total loss not knowing what to do next.  I poured out my heart in prayer and begged for help with this.  After prying myself off of her bed awhile later, I sobbed down the hall to my bedroom crying, "I've tried everything!"
   
It was just a matter of minutes that I remembered I hadn't tried everything.  I remembered the nurse from the pediatric urologist office, telling me several months ago to go online and order a "potty watch".  It would vibrate and sound an alarm for the child to go pee.  I got on the computer right away and ordered a purple potty watch just for B.  I wasn't too keen on the $42 price tag, but this way I could say that I really had tried everything.  I couldn't wait for it to come and change my life.

A few days later, I found a package in my mailbox.  There it was.  The purple potty watch that was going to finally fix this thing.  B liked it and would run to the bathroom every time she would hear and feel the little alarm.  The watch lasted a whole four days until it made it into the bathtub with B and S.  I needed another one.  So now, $84 later, I had yet another new pink potty watch on it's way to our home.  

Just after having the first purple watch, I received a call from the pediatric urologist wanting a follow up appointment.  It had been almost six months since the last visit.  I scheduled an appointment and was grateful rather than resentful for the call that would have normally been annoying or bothersome.

Over the next couple weeks, although the potty watch seemed to work, it wasn't the cure.  We were still going through outfits like crazy.  D went up to his grandpa's cabin with the girls and ran out of clothes the first day there due to so many accidents.

B met with her pediatric urologist today.  She did many of the same things there that she did six months ago.  The doctor concluded that she in fact cannot control her bladder...all the time.  She started some medicine today that will help her bladder know to hold the pee until it really recognizes that it is full and then will give the signal that, "I need to go pee."  When the doctor told me that there was a medicine for this I about cried.  Not only is there a medicine, but it should correct itself once the bladder is retrained.  She'll be on the medicine for at least four months.  I told the doctor I felt like having a party.  That's when she said, "She's not dry yet."  But I have hope.  I know that there is something physically wrong with B and that there is something way more to this problem than me just training her.

As soon as the doctor told me what she did, I thought back about the random follow up appointment, ordering the potty watches, and then remembered that my missionary told me that he would fast and pray for B to stop peeing a few weeks ago.  Of course.  I knew instantly that this was a direct blessing from C serving his mission.  The promptings I had had.  The phone call.  It made so much sense now.  The real me wants to say that I don't know if this will all work out, but the new me that is really trying to have faith with nothing wavering, tells me that it will happen and it all started out with the faith, prayer and fasting of my nineteen year old missionary.  I hate that I have to wait an entire week to tell him that his prayers are being answered and that his fasting has made things happen.

I told my experience to the kids tonight knowing that it is important for them to be aware of every blessing that we receive as a family by C's willingness to serve.

I'm so grateful.  I'm so happy that I finally have hope.  I'm so blessed because of my son's choice to serve a mission.  Thankful for the blessings we receive by having a missionary.  :)

Sunday drive

The kids and I went back home over the weekend and had some time to kill Sunday afternoon.  We got in the suburban and headed out not sure where the car would take us.  We ended up on the same bus route I rode on several years while growing up.  It was a long one hour drive that I usually slept through so that I wouldn't get car sick.  This time though, it was beautiful.  I didn't realize how "in the country" I had grown up.  The fields were green, there were silos, fields full of cows and sheep, we spotted six deer, and the mountains were beautiful.

It took me over twenty years to return to that drive to find it beautiful and finally appreciate it.  I had grown up seeing sheep all the time.  I was familiar with their baa's.  But this time, I loved seeing the field of the ugly freshly sheared sheep with their young lambs.  It was beautiful.  I love watching the baby lambs play, yet stay close to their mothers.  I thought about myself as a mother, feeling as though I too were in those beautiful fields with my little "lambs".  I was happy.

As we continued on our way, the song from the Prince of Egypt came on.  A had the music full blast and then I heard J and G singing, "There can be miracles" from the middle seat just behind me.  I was overcome with emotion once again.  It was a new generation singing the words of a song I needed at that very moment.      I couldn't believe that it was happening again.  But then I had to remember the next phrase of the song, "When you believe".  And then it made sense.

Faith, the Atonement, my clicker, and a loving Father in Heaven.  Little did I know that my old bus route would be a healing Sunday drive.

My dad

My dad stood before his new YSA ward today as their new Bishop.  I listened to my dad testify of the things he knows to be true, telling the YSAs that he loves them and that he hopes they can learn to love him too.  I loved seeing my quiet dad up there being that kind of man.  When he said that he hopes that they can learn to love him too, I thought, psh, of course they will.

 I remember being a little girl and thinking that my dad should be a bishop.  That just says what kind of a man he is, or rather what kind of life he lives.  I remember him being in the bishopric when I was a teenager at girl's camp.  It was "Bishop" night and my dad filled in that year.  Let me just say that NO ONE can do the "Father Abraham" quite like my dad can!  He was funny, hilarious and cool.  I was glad that he was my dad. 

 Over the years, my dad has continued to serve, being the man I have always known him to be.

When my sisters and I went to visit my parents on their mission in the Dominican Republic, I could see that the institute kids loved my dad and had a respect for him.  He was to them what he had always been to me.  He was the father they needed.  My dad may be a quiet man, but lives worthy to have the Spirit at ALL times.  He never speaks of another.  He never says a bad word.  He is amiable.  He is kind.  He works hard.  He is a man of integrity.  He is selfless.  He loves me.

Bishop or no Bishop.  It's not about the title anymore.  My dad is strong.  He is a good man.  I know that he will be exactly who those YSA kids need.  They will love him for all the same reasons I love him.

I love you dad.  Thank you for living the way that you have.  You have been a great source of strength to me and a great example to me and my children.  I admire your willingness to serve.  I love your humility.  I loved being there today.  It was perfect.

I love that you're my dad.

When you believe

C sent his iPod home for me to put more uplifting songs on it for him.  He made a few requests including songs from "The Prince of Egypt".  I couldn't find our CD so I jumped on to Amazon and got one ordered.  It came in the mail yesterday and I darted upstairs with it excited to get the songs on C's iPod.  The girlies pointing to the CD cover asked what it was.  I told them that it was music for C's iPod.  That's when I hurried and pulled up the song, "When You Believe" sung by Michelle Pfeiffer and Sally Dworsky and starting listening to it.   

I couldn't help but think back years ago when C was just a first grader, A was four, and G was just two months old.  It was a hard time and we were going through something that was very challenging to us.  We were living in a temporary one bedroom motel room for what we thought would be one to two weeks.  It turned out to be four long months.  We weren't prepared for that length of time, or the drastic change in seasons.  All of our belongings were locked away in storage that we couldn't get to, so we had to rough it out until a house became available to us.  That meant no coats, no toys, no older baby clothes, nothing extra.

We lived twelve miles from the elementary school.  That's a long drive in a small town.  Every day I would bundle up my newborn baby, get the boys in their hoodies and head out into the blizzard and freezing temperatures to get everyone buckled in our minivan.  We didn't have a garage so the car was frozen every morning and the kids would cry as I loaded them up in the car.  

Day after day I would make the drive twice a day to take and then pick C up from school.  The trips seemed like wasted miles on the car.  Wasted minutes of my day.  Stupid that I even had to make the trip since I should have been in a house in our eyes.

But every day for weeks on the way to school while driving in our red Ford Windstar minivan, we would listen to the Prince of Egypt CD.  We would sing to it, knowing almost every word of every song.  One day while driving to school we had the song, "When You Believe" blaring in the car while C and A were singing it at the top of their lungs.  I looked in my rear view mirror and just started crying at what a neat "miracle" I was seeing.  There were my cute boys belting out, "There can be miracles, when you believe.  Though hope is frail.  It's hard to kill.  Who knows what miracles.  You can achieve.  When you believe.  Somehow you will.  You will when you believe."  

I remember listening to that song over and over again that day as we made the hour long drive there and back.  That's all I had needed.  It was my new anthem to get through that particular trial.  

I wasn't familiar with "tender mercy" back then.  But it was.  That very moment has brought me more joy than almost any other thing in  my life.  I could say that it is one of my greatest memories ever.  It was sweet and perfect.

I'm so glad that C loves this music as much as I do.  He's doing well on his mission, but he's been dealing with some challenges.  I hope the song can do for him what it did for me all those years ago.  Of course it will, when you believe.  

Talk about almost anything

Deciding what kind of a parent you're going to be, and what kind of parent you are, are two entirely different things.  I remember sitting on the end of C's bed many times over the years, reassuring him that he could tell me anything.  It's easy to say that, but your child has to believe that they will still be loved no matter what they share with you. 


I recently received an email from one of C's friends where he had told her:


"Probably the most favorite memory with my mom is when we would talk about life together, whether it was at home or on a long drive to Utah. She was my best friend and we could talk about almost anything." 


That makes me so happy!  

Brother Porter

While writing a letter to C this morning, S had me lean back so that she could do my hair.  She was thrilled with the outcome and told me to go look at myself in the mirror.  I smiled once I saw myself and the 16 hair pretties that she had so carefully placed in my hair.  She had a shy little smile on her face when I told her that I loved it.

Just after that, I heard a knock on the front door.  No, it wasn't the little girl that shows up with her dad almost on a daily basis.  I peeked out to see who it was only to find the guy that's doing a bunch of repairs with the swimming pool fountains.  Knowing what my hair looked like, I just decided to go for it and open the door.  I spent the next twenty minutes with he and a co-worker as they discussed what to do with my fountain situation.  I felt a little self conscious, but seeing how it was in my own back yard, it wasn't that big of a deal.

I then looked at my watch and saw that I had five minutes to pick up B from preschool.  I quickly dismissed myself, got S buckled in the car and headed out to get B.  S was so excited for B to see my hair and made me promise that I wouldn't ruin it.  Getting to preschool three minutes late, other moms were still picking up their children at the same time too, and there I was with my sixteen hair pretties still in my hair.  I thought, hey, I'm at preschool pick up, can't be too embarrassing.  So, I got out of the car and went to the door to get B.  B took one look at me and told me that my hair looked dumb.  I smiled at B and then the teacher and threw in, "S did my hair today".  It suddenly made sense to the teacher.  B went on to tell me that she hated my hair and that it looked crazy.

As we got into the car, B informed me that she had told her entire preschool class that we were going to the park after school.  Well, that got S excited and so we did.  But first, we ran to El Pollo Loco to get something for lunch to take to the park for the picnic.  After ordering the food at the drive through, I really got nervous.  I wondered how I would continue on with my sixteen hair pretties.  How could I hand over my money to a little window cashier without thinking I was crazy with hair bows all over my head?  But then, then......

My mind wandered back to Father's Day when I was a teenager.  My family was already sitting on our regular bench at church as others were walking in.  I won't lie, while sitting there I was looking around for my boyfriend's family to walk in so that I could do the normal flirty, "hi" to him.  His family walked in alright, but he's not who caught my attention that day.  It was his dad, Brother Porter with the most homemade tie I had ever seen, or any of us had ever seen.  We were quietly giggling to each other, and laughing about it trying our hardest not to point at it.  We came to the conclusion that it must be a Father's Day gift, probably from C, the youngest in the family.  We watched Brother Porter that entire hour and wondered how he wasn't embarrassed out of his mind wearing that tie.  It was short, wide, oh I can't remember, it's so funny though thinking about  it.  But then it got really funny, when we found out that it was actually made by his daughter M, who was probably 12-14 years old.  We were just busting up laughing.  Actually, we all still do.  That's the truth!

As I was pulling up to the drive up window today, I kept telling myself that if Brother Porter could wear that tie to church to make his daughter happy, I too could wear sixteen hair pretties in my hair to make my own little girl happy.  It's not just about me being happy over here.  So, I pulled up to the window and acted as though nothing was different about me.  Oh I sure did wonder what they thought about the forty year old lady with all the mismatched hair bows, but I just kept smiling thinking, I'm making my daughter happy just like Brother Porter did.

All these years and lots of giggles later, I'm thankful for the lesson I learned from Brother Porter.

To help someone

We go through what we go through 

to help someone go through 

what we went through.  

--Anonymous

Makes me feel like everything is worth it in the end.  :)

Happy Mother's Day

Joy.  That's all I can describe today as being.  I can't even put it into words.  Well, yes I can, but I'm so dang tired that I don't want to write a book.  I've done a lot of writing lately, or so D tells me.  :)

1.  The three little boys bring me breakfast in bed which includes biscuits and gravy, sausage, fresh pineapple and orange juice.

2.  The kids hand me all of their gifts which include favorite treats, an iPod dock, coupon books, a chives planter and a world globe.  D's thinking that he'll take up decorating and put the globe on the top shelf of my bookcase.  Nope.  :)

3.  Phone call from California.  It was my missionary telling me when he would call me tonight.

4.  Talking to my mother-in-law.  I love her.  She is an amazing woman.  I've learned so many things from her and hope that I can continue to do so.  

5.  The primary children sang two songs in Sacrament Meeting today.  They sang Mother, I Love You, and Grandmother.  As I was leading them in front of the ward, I had the hugest smile on my face and sure I was beaming from loving my calling.  

6.  The talks in church weren't about perfect mothers.  Rather, they spoke of how we as women feel like we have to give into perfection from every angle, and that we DON'T have to.  It was awesome.  I sat there floored at how I had just had these feelings the last week.  

7.  I've been receiving texts all day from people wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  

8.  The men did all of the callings today so that the women could enjoy the last two hours without any responsibilities.  D led the singing in primary for me.

9.  As I was sitting in class, I could hear the primary children sing next door.  My mind wandered as I smiled listening and almost wishing I were back there doing what I love.  Wishing that I could peek in on D and tell him how much I love him.  Listening to the words, "Whenever I hear the song of a bird", and thinking of a friend.  Hearing the words, "Whenever I feel the rain on my face" and thinking of my own tender mercy earlier this week.  Then hearing another song where the children were singing the words, "Thank you" in several different languages.  I too was thankful for my calling, for my husband, for my talents, for the week that I've had, for the joy that I was feeling.

10.  Taking our Mother's Day pictures with each of my children.

  

11.  Talk to both of my grandmas.  I'm so lucky and blessed to have them.  

12.  Phone call from California 45 minutes EARLY!  We spoke to C (Elder Loveland) for almost two and a half hours.  He sounds so good.  He is loving San Diego.  He loves the people.  He's being good with his money.  He's learning and growing.  It was SO great!!!

13.  I got a picture with my cul-de-sac mom, Gail.  

Going to bed smiling.  Happy Mother's Day.

Hubby getting to know me

D and I went out for my Mother's Day date at the Cheesecake Factory tonight.  We both got the usual.  Avocado egg rolls, (It's all about the sauce.  It has tamarind or something in it.  I could seriously drink it, it's that yummy!) D gets the Jambalaya, and I get the Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta.

While we were eating their yummy bread, I asked D how caught up on my life he was seeing how he had just gotten up to Easter on my blog.  He scrolled through his iPhone and then told me, "Easter".  I told him that he needed to get reading so that he can know what's going on in his wife's life.  I giggled, but I meant it.

So, he did.  We were probably only eighteen inches from the next table over and there D is, reading aloud my posts about licorice, and then the candy store, and I don't know what, and then read the post title, Butts and ankles.  That's when I said, "We're done.  You're not reading that here!"  Thank goodness our plates arrived just then.

So, ya, it was kind of a funny date.  Sitting across the table from each other where he read about my life last month....to me.  But hey, it was fun having my hubby get to know me.  

I'm a clicker

I don't know what it is about songs lately, but they're popping into my head all the time.  Like right now I'm bouncing back and forth between singing my own versions of "It's Clicker Time" (aka It's Hammer Time.  near near near near, near, near near near, don't touch this) and "I Be Clicking" (aka We Be Jammin').  Anyway....can you tell who got their clicker in the mail today?  Yip, me.

I ran back to the house after finding a package in the mailbox this afternoon.  I opened it up, and there it was.  My very own clicker.  Oh my heck, I don't know what is going on with me.  Now I feel as if I'm that little guy with glasses in the Christmas movie that talks about his red rider BB gun.  Nonetheless, I was thrilled to get clicking.  I put it on my wrist and did my first click, happy that I had it in my little hands.  I clicked as I saw B with her huge brown eyes wonder what I had on.  I clicked as S pulled me into the living room to be a ballerina with her.  I clicked as I did my ballet move from when I was five years old.  I clicked when the girls quickly told me that that wasn't a ballerina.  Ya, it really wasn't back then either.  Then, I clicked because I had a smile across my face that could have only been read as being happy.  I loved my new little clicker.  I loved that I was looking for or rather, recognizing all the things to be happy about.  I clicked that I was happy with my new found game of clicks.

When it came time to do middle school carpool, I took off my clicker so that I could drive, and set it in between the two front seats.  G got in the car and said, "What is this?" as he was clicking up a storm.  I said with a slightly louder than normal voice, "Don't touch!  "  He wondered why, and what it was, and proceeded to tell me that he had restarted the counter and had done 26 clicks himself. At that point I said out loud, "Happy thoughts.  Happy thoughts."  This clicker thing is magic I tell you.  haha

After picking up the other kids and dropping some of them off at home before I headed to good ol' cub scout day camp with J, I took my clicker off again sure that there wouldn't be a dang thing to click about there.  But I did do a click before I left the car grateful that D was in the tot lot and I wasn't, and then I really thought about it and clicked like crazy while giggling to myself.  Oh I do love my D.

J took off once we got him changed into his day camp shirt and all checked in.  I couldn't help myself go check in on D at the Tot lot.  There he was, telling some sobbing child that he couldn't go see his mother in all his cute Mother's Day gifting glory.  I spoke to him a bit and then took off excited for my big whoop hour and a half to have by myself before all kinds of other activities tonight.  Have I said how much I love D?

A cute mother of five young children pulled me aside and asked for some parental advice.  You could see in her eyes that she was done, spent, worn out, tired, fighting back the tears, and now second guessing herself as a parent.  I asked how I could help, what I could do, and reassured her that she was a mother first and foremost.  I pointed out that she should never have to apologize or feel like she has to explain for certain things.  Day camp will go on!  I hugged her and told her to hang in there.  It felt so good knowing that she felt like she could talk to me.

As I walked across the parking lot to get back to my car, a friend called my name and I went over to talk to her.  We talked about my "Happy Hour" post that she had read earlier this week.  She's having a hard time right now, maybe more so than ever.  After talking to her for awhile, I got thinking about my clicker I had left in the car.  As much as I need my clicker, she needed it more than I.  I raced over to my car, grabbed my clicker and gave it to her.  I told her about my experience just this morning.  I reached inside her truck and hugged her tight.  I reassured her that all would work out, that she wasn't alone, and that she could do it.  I love you my dear friend.

I pulled out of the parking lot grateful for the week that I had had and all that I had learned.   Grateful that my cute hubby worked in the tot lot so that I could do something greater in my eyes and give hope to someone else.  Grateful for my "Mother's Day" time and how it was spent in a parking lot.  It truly couldn't have been better.  This is what "opening up" does.  It creates a support system that wouldn't otherwise be there.

Tonight D played coach to J, G, and some friends in the backyard.  It was cute watching him interact with the boys and really taking on that role.  Not too long in, four other kids from the neighborhood showed up and wanted to play too.  Why not?  I let them play until little g came running in the house and told me that dad wanted him to find some defense and he didn't have any.  I told him to go tell dad, "The pro will be out in a minute!"  That's when the pink Nikes came out to play and it was time to show my boys my mad basketball defensive skills.  lol.  Those Nikes are cute!  I had fun with all the kids, then took off to come up with some kind of BBQ for fifteen.  The kids ate and then jumped into the pool.  It was a good night and I might add, it's great having people come IN to the cul-de-sac.  I'm cool with that.

Hopefully my friend was able to click for something today.  Clicker or no clicker, I'm happy.  I love when I randomly bust out singing, "It's five o'clock somewhere".  It's like my very own private joke.  Makes me laugh.  I love when I tell myself to "click", or sometimes convince myself to "click".  I then find myself smiling.

Going to bed happy and grateful that I'm a clicker.  :)

What I want for Mother's Day

Cub Scout day camp is over the next two days.  I didn't quite volunteer to help out, but I did agree to it.  I thought I would do my token two hours and then have date night with D.  I was asked, okay a few times, for all my paperwork, insurance cards, and if I had watched the Youth Protection movie online to register as a volunteer.  I hummed and hawed at the thought of so much stuff to gather and fill out.  Then, I found out that I would be helping out at the "Tot lot".  The WHAT lot?  I agreed to help so that I could do something with J, and now I was babysitting for someone else while they did something with J.  So, I got a little rebellious and wasn't in any type of hurry to turn in all my paperwork.

D was asking me what I wanted for Mother's Day yesterday.  I really couldn't think of anything.  Just a nice card.  You know the kind, where it goes on and on about how amazing you are.  That's what I want.  That's what I wanted.  I then told him that he could work at the "Tot lot" for me.  He asked if that's what I really wanted.  I told him, "Yes!"  I made a phone call to see if it was possible for him to be a volunteer in my place.  The answer came back, "Of course".  But then I felt dumb, feeling as though I had sold my soul by not wanting to babysitt.  The lady on the other end of the line was shocked that I would want that for Mother's Day.  She would gladly work in a tot lot for two hours than have that for Mother's Day.  She saves up all year for her Mother's Day.  I giggled and said, well, that's what I want and we're in different stages of life.  And it felt good!

I was giddy once I hung up the phone and with a somewhat mischievous voice I turned to D and said, "Guess who's working in the tot lot?"  I told him that he was the best husband around and that he was so good to me.  He is! You know why?  Because he really wanted to do that for me.  He didn't try to invalidate (is that a word?) my feelings or my request by just wanting to run to Bath and Body works for a real gift.   I suppose some might think he got off easy not having to go to the mall or deal with expensive requests.  But....he knows my language of love.  I'm about acts of service and I only see it as him being so sweet to me and really making me happy.  So see, it's perfect for me.  It might not be what anyone else in the whole entire would like, but it's what I want for Mother's Day.

And.... to talk to my missionary.  And.....to have the house clean with no bugging or teasing.  And....I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'd still like a nice card telling me how amazing I am.  LOL

I'll talk to my missionary and I'll go into Sunday not having a single expectation of what the day "should" be like.    Come on, you know what I'm talking about.   Sleeping in, breakfast in bed, the kids sitting on the couch singing hymns with their arms folded, and not a single talk about how wonderfully perfect mothers are.  I know better than that.  But, I have come to love my yearly tradition of taking pictures with each of my children.  We will do that.  And with my invisible clicker that hasn't arrived yet, I'll be clicking when I make breakfast for the family  because I have one.  I'll be clicking when I'm running around trying to find the lost shoe before church, grateful that my family wants to go with me.  I'll be clicking as some of my children pull faces and are ornery when taking their pictures with me because I too was like that once upon a time.  I'll be clicking when I call my mothers and grandmothers thankful for their influences in my life.  And, I'll be clicking as I kiss my hubby D for the perfect Mother's Day gift that he gave me.  The fact that he knows me and loves me.  And that card...  I should be getting that around the middle of June seeing how D just read my posts about Easter today.  I love you D.

D's cute offer makes me think about Father's Day and what I can do for him.  He's not a "gift" person so I guess I can hold off on more cologne.  I can follow his lead and see what he wants and make it happen no matter how small.  It might be huge in his eyes and make him happy.  I can do that.  After all, he's giving me what I want for Mother's Day.

What's good for me

So I know I really put myself out there when I blog to the world or to the four or five people that read this, but it's me. I know it's not everyone's style to be as open as I am.  Sometimes I worry think that some are shaking their heads in unbelief, or embarrassment, or in awe that I might say such things.  The fact that I'm honest and not trying to make it look a "certain" way.  What the heck is a "certain" way anyway?  It's not being real.  I don't run around complaining about my life to every friend, visiting teacher and cashier that I know.  I give the normal, "Good.  How are you?", with a smile because I really want to know, and for the most part, things are always pretty. dar n. good.


This blog is where I can put my thoughts down to read, and re-read over and over again.  Yip, I said it, I read my own blog.  I read some of my own posts several times because they make me happy, they give me strength, I see how I've grown, and I see what kind of a mark I'm leaving.  It makes me want to be better, to do better.  That is, for me and my family.  Not in a "keep up with the Jones'" sort of way.  I'm not into that.  In fact, I'm kind of rebellious when it comes to that kind of thing.


So, I'll keep writing, and posting, reading, and commenting, because that's just what I do.  I'll be lifted up by one friend, and I'll build up another.  There's something to be said about being able to say, "You know what?  I'm kind of struggling right now."  And that's okay! Those are the people that you turn to.  That you cry on their shoulder.  That you confide in.  That you love.  Because of the simple fact that you are dealing with real.


To my dear friends that have been there for me, validated my feelings, encouraged me, supported me, helped me, made me laugh, made me laugh so hard I peed my pants, helped me look for the positive, have shared quotes and thoughts, called me or dropped by, and have really loved me.... I love you.  Thank you.


I'm doing what I like, what seems right, and what's good for me.

It's just wrong!

Just to lighten things up around here I thought I'd show you my funnels from IKEA that I pull out of my kitchen junk drawer every once in awhile.  It's just wrong!  LOL

Happy Hour

I've been singing "It's five o'clock somewhere" in my head all day after talking to one of my cute aunts this morning.  She was checking in on me to see how I was doing after reading a blog post from a couple weeks ago.  I told her that I was in a good place and that my Derby party had been a success.  We briefly talked about anxiety and some of the things that I have learned in the last couple years.  I found myself asking her why I am I like this?  Not so much, why does it have to be me?  But, why is it me?  Why do I think and respond the way I do?  She didn't have a scientific answer for me, I may never have one, but she reassured me that I would be able to help someone else or have empathy for others while they are going through difficult times.  I cried as I heard her say those things knowing them already to be true.  


I opened up about being a "good" mother.  I shamefully admitted that I don't know how to be happy at home.  I'm grateful that I am a mother.  I'm grateful that I can be a stay at home mom.  I love each of my seven children.  I love D and all that he does for our family.  But I'm not "me" around my family.  My children and D don't see me laugh like others do.  I'm not playful and I don't kid or tease.  All I do is nag and say, "I'm sick of it!" I don't know how many times a day.  If I died today my kids would probably say that I'm always "ticked".  It's a lovely feeling.  


D was thoughtful earlier this week and came to the conclusion that I am overwhelmed and offered to get me some help rather it be counseling, a maid, laundry service, yard care guys, etc.  I think I'm resentful.  Feeling like I can't do everything and wondering why no one else notices things that need to be done or picked up and then just do them.  


It seems so easy.  That my being happy is conditioned on "them" and the condition of my house, yard, suburban and rental house.  


After hearing me sob through the phone, my cute aunt pointed out that being a mother is the hardest job in the world.  That it is a relentless job.  That it is a thankless job for years.....until one day........some day.


She had recently heard a talk about just this and the challenges mothers face.  They spoke of trying to be happy for just one hour.  She looked at the clock and said, "Okay, it's almost noon here so for one hour, we're going to have a happy hour".  Then we can message each other tonight and tell each other what we did in our happy hour.  


There was something about what she told me that gave me this new found hope for happiness. It seemed attainable.  I could be happy for one hour.  I then realized that I could choose to be happy during my "Happy Hour".  That's when the song hit.  All of a sudden I realized that it's five o'clock somewhere.  It's happy hour somewhere.  I could choose to have my very own "Happy Hour" when ever I wanted because it's five o'clock somewhere.  I could even choose to be happy one hour and then another, and then another.  I got this new excitement for the day and what I could accomplish with this new attitude.  


I hung up the phone and picked up my pick and got back to digging up the front walkway out front, happily.  It was almost as if I were playing a game with myself.  What else could I do in my hour?  I finished the morning dishes, and then I talked with the girls on the couch in a funny voice.  I was doing it.  I was happy.  Was it really that simple?  


But then the thought came to me.  It's easy to be happy right now because almost everyone is gone and no one is making a mess.  But that is when I remembered that I could have my "Happy Hour" whenever I wanted it, and I mostly needed it when my family was around.  I thought of all the "Happy Hours" I could have and what I'd do.  Some "Happy Hours" might be filled with a different tone of voice when I ask the children to put away their socks, rinse off their dishes, pick up the pillows, etc.  Other hours might be doing my daily cleaning but happy to do so because I love my family.  Other hours might be slipping away to my beloved bubble baths.  If I take one hour at a time, make it a "Happy Hour" doing whatever, I will begin to be happy at home.  My children and husband will see the person I am to everyone else.  They too will be able to say that I laugh all the time.   That I'm a tease.   The real, happy me.  


It's been a good day.  I've been happy.  My voice has been different.  My smile is back.  My real smile.  I had a talk with the three older boys this evening.  They all lost their iPods for a few days.  I explained to them that I'm making a conscious effort to be happy, and part of that is to follow through with consequences when I'm not minded or family responsibilities aren't done.  It went well, just because I did it without saying, "I'm sick of it" in the conversation.  It's amazing.  :)


I bought myself a clicker today.  I discovered it while looking online for the talk I mentioned above.  I never did find the talk but I found a clicker that will help me "click" for every happy thought.  Who knew?  I'm excited to get clicking.  Want to join me?  Click HERE to see how.  :)


And just when the day was about to end great....it got even better.  Sitting here blogging I heard some thunder that shook the house.  Where on earth did that come from?  It hasn't been overcast at all today.  And then, then I thought I heard some rain.  Could it really be?  I jumped up, ran out to the balcony and yes, it was indeed raining.  I walked out into the rain where there was a gentle breeze, closed my eyes with my face up to the sky and sang the words in my head, "When ever I feel the rain on my face, or the wind as it rushes by"..."Of all these creations of which I'm a part; Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me".  What a tender mercy.  Oh how I needed my Heavenly Father to tell me that He loves me right then.        It was just yesterday that I taught the children in primary that song.  I didn't know that I was really teaching that song to myself.  


This is a very private post, but hopefully it can help someone else.  We're all going through different things.  There's no sense in always acting as if everything is "okay".  That only leads to comparing with everyone else thinking that it's only you.   So if I can be the voice, so be it.  So grateful for my "Happy Hours" and that it's five o'clock somewhere.  Here's to "Happy Hour" everywhere and more importantly, my "Happy Hour"!

I never should have left the cul-de-sac

Last week for S's birthday, the kids talked her into going to Panda Express for dinner.  After eating and heading back out to the car, we ran into a lady that quickly introduced herself to me.  Not too long into the conversation I was worried that she thought I was somebody else.  So, I played along hoping that she wouldn't ever catch on to the fact that I wasn't who she thought I was.  When in fact, I was who she thought I was.  She had seen a couple of my boys out playing recently and realized that she had never met me.  I laughed and laughed at the thought of never knowing her after being neighbors for nine years.  She laughed and laughed at the fact that I need to let my children out to play and that we have really good people in our neighborhood.  Needless to say, I left the conversation feeling a little dumb.  Feeling like the entire neighborhood knows about the big family that the mom never lets her children out of the cul-de-sac.  

Later that night I thought about things.  I have no need to apologize for that.  I have several children that all enjoy playing together.  I live IN the cul-de-sac and I have a big back yard that cost as much as my entire property across the street for my children to play in.  Plus, my children haven't wanted to play with all the neighbor kids because of their swear mouths.  And I might add, why would my nineteen, sixteen, twelve and ten year old boys want to be out playing with her six year old son and five year old daughter?  I decided right then and there that I would stick up for myself if the topic ever came up again.

The next morning the dad and the five year old daughter showed up at my front door.  I greeted them and then the dad asked what time he should be back to pick her up.  Trying my hardest not to have the most confused face I've ever had in my life, I said that she could play for about an hour and then I would have to leave to pick up B from preschool.  So, he left, she and S played, and then he returned to pick up his daughter.  While walking out, the little girl said that she wanted to play again.  He told her that they could come back in a couple of hours.  And they did!  She returned and played another two hours.  As cute as the little girl is, and as much fun as the two of them had, I right then told myself, "I never should have left the cul-de-sac!!"  I mean seriously.  What in the heck was going on?  I mean, I am a stranger to them.  They don't know anything about me and he left his daughter with me TWICE in ONE day!  

I called my sister this morning telling her that I was scared of my very own doorbell.  We laughed and laughed.  And then the doorbell rang.  There she was.  "She" wanted to come say hi.  So, we had another play date today.  I'm wondering how this whole things works.  I can't say that the girls haven't had fun and the little girl is a cute and good little girl.  But this is weird!  I can't say that I want my girls to go over there because I don't know them at all and my girls won't be there with the dad watching them.  I'm wondering if I'm the "take her over there so I can get in a nap before my night shift" neighbor or what.  I guess we'll just have to see how this all plays out.  All I know is that I don't want to be known as the big family on the cul-se-sac that never plays with anyone and they pretend that they're not home all the time.  I really don't want it to come to that.  

Wish me luck.  As for right now....I'm good never leaving my cul-de-sac again.  I like it here.  Or rather, I like not being people's babysitter.  I do enough of that already.  

My Old Kentucky Home

This year we invited our families over to celebrate the Kentucky Derby with us.  It was a big group with lots of food, swimming, darting here and there, and of course, the race.


We had an all you can eat smorgasbord of all the KY have to haves on Derby day.  Complete with huge white chocolate dipped strawberries drizzled with dark chocolate.  Southern green beans steamed and then tossed with bacon and onions.  Hot browns by the cookie sheets full.  Derby Pies with fresh whipped cream.  And all the virgin mint juleps anyone could ever want.


I think the kids had fun coming back for more strawberries and juleps....many times.  That's one thing about my parties, I don't ever want to have to ration food!  This party happens once a year so it's only right to have as much as you want and the kids thought it was great.


Although I found myself apologizing for not having dozens of fresh red roses like every other year, a beautifully decorated buffet area, no stirring straws, and all the other things that I associate with my previous parties, I realized it was much more than that.  Everything didn't need to be perfect.  I let some of the kids help dip the strawberries which I wouldn't have let them help other years.  Just because it always has to have my "stamp" on anything I do.  It was about getting together with family.  Everyone helping.  Making guests feel comfortable in my home.  Seeing the family make the effort to come and then dart here and there all of a sudden to watch A's last volleyball game.  It was about sharing something dear to us with those that we love.  It was about keeping tradition for me and my children.

I'm exhausted out of my mind, but I'm going to bed happy and grateful for a place that is dear to my heart.  Thankful for what used to be, My Old Kentucky Home.

Volleyball season

A's school volleyball team took 2nd place in the tournament this weekend.  It was a tough loss but a learning experience for which I am grateful.  Or rather, a teaching experience for which I am grateful.  I love you A.  

My baby turns four

My baby turned four years old today. 

It's strange to think that this is the longest I have gone not being pregnant in 20 years!  I remember people telling me when she and B were babies, to enjoy the time because it would go by quickly.  I really tried to embrace the time with my babies.  I have loved it.  There have been times (many, a jillion in fact) that I have just wanted time to fly by as I see the messes that the two little girls can make together.  Wanting them to grow up and be done with this stage.  And this one.  And this one.  All while "enjoying" it.  I really have though.  And now, now I wonder where the last four years have gone.  Could it really have gone by as quickly as everyone warned me about?  My baby isn't a baby anymore nor will my family ever be a young family anymore.  I've gotten used to that now.  It was hard for me to think about that a year ago seeing how that is all I had ever known my entire married life.  Now, I'm embracing the family that I have with a missionary out and children involved in different sports, piano lessons, taking ACTs, doing scouts, dance lessons, etc. It's been a good thing.  I'm grateful that I've been able to see my children learn and grow.


Last week in church someone was giving a talk and referred to the old testament and how there were so may "begat"s.  They then pointed out our family and how we have done the most "begatting" in our ward.  I laughed and laughed and signaled while mouthing the words, "Done begatting!  Done begatting!"  Later on, another woman in our ward came up to me and said that she was glad that our family had been pointed out as the "begatting" family seeing how she also has seven children.  I laughed and laughed again and told her what I had done after hearing that.  She then laughed to me and said, "Famous last words!"  She was forty seven years old when she delivered her seventh "surprise" baby.  Ouch.  I didn't laugh so much after that.  LOL


I love my little S bug.  I love how she sits down and plays with her toys and dolls.  I love her shy little smile.  I love how she likes perfume, lip gloss, and skirts.  I love how she runs.  She has the perfect form.  I love how I see myself in her and that I can see her daddy in her too.


I love you S.  Happy 4th Birthday!

(Cake made and frosted by 12 year old G.)

Environmental Science

Yesterday was a crazy busy day.  So much so, that I didn't make it to A's last home volleyball game, had to pawn off J with someone else to basketball, missed Zumba, missed my wards Girl's Night Out, but....I did help G cross off several requirements for his Environmental Science merit badge.  He's going on a camp out tonight and needed to have some things done prior to going.  A was dumbfounded that we would do that merit badge on our own rather than at a week long scout camp out.  Thing is....I love the scouting program and have seen such growth in my sons that I will do whatever it takes to assist them in earning their Eagle Scout Award.

I remember sitting in a court of honor several years ago almost in tears after hearing that mothers shouldn't be making the phone calls, coordinating things for merit badges, etc.  I was sure at that point that none of my sons would ever earn their Eagles.  But, I explained to my boys that they needed to do this, and it was the best advice I have ever gotten.  I saw my boys grow more than I ever could have dreamed.  They developed an attitude of "I can" by doing so.  They became leaders.  That is why I love the scouting program.  It teaches my boys so much.  It teaches them all that I want them to be.  No wonder the church stands behind the program.  

So about this dreaded and boring of all boring merit badges, Environmental Science, we kind of liked doing it as we were racing around town trying to cross off what needed to be done.  

We went to Post Net and got packaging supplies and then did an experiment to see which ones were biodegradable.  The new "green" packaging peanuts really are.  The boys had a blast watching them dissolve right before their eyes.

We did an experiment with soil erosion and ice erosion.  The penny on the dirt was okay, but the melting ice, was a hit.  We'll surely see that one done around here again.

We thought long and hard about finding a place where there had been some erosion and what could be done to eliminate further erosion.  I then remembered a bit of sidewalk that I nearly kill myself on every time I go running or walking.  G remembered it too saying that he would trip on it when he would go running with C.  We ran and got pictures of the sidewalk and checked it off of our list.

For the last requirement we had to go to two very different locations and mark down what was different.  Well, very different where we live, is on top of a hill, and the bottom of the hill.  We're fresh out of rain forests and swamps so we did the best we could.  It was cute at the first location.  G had my pink measuring tape out marking off his 12 foot square.  Then he was counting the plants, all of which were the same kind. While walking around, we were nervous there might be rattlesnakes that jump out having recently watched some rattlesnake hunters show.  And yes, rattlesnakes do jump.  haha

For our next and very different location, we decided to drive up on top of a nearby hill.  Thing is, it looked exactly like the bottom of the hill that we had just visited.  So we continued on hoping we could get on top of another hill.  After circling around and thinking that it was probably best not to scale any walls since he was a boy scout, we continued on.  Then finally, we ended up somewhere that there was actually a real trail.  And it looked like it headed up. So, G, the three little kids and I headed up the hill keeping our eyes peeled for anything different than the bottom of the hill location.  It was fun seeing G and little g racing up the hill.  The girlies had fun hiking.  Who knew?  Once we reached the top, we were blown away.  Actually, G was blown over from the wind, but I meant how beautiful the view was.  Our little city was beautiful and green.   

I realized then how much I love racing around doing things with my kids.  Crossing things off our lists.  Finding surprise trails.  It was a sweet moment up there with my kiddies.  One that made me happy.  Just before he headed down, I caught the kids looking over at the hill next to us.  I saw their shadows and felt as though I was seeing them in ten years.  They're growing up.  Sometimes too quickly.  

B enjoyed the rocks trading them out for another and then another, until she had her prized "hammer".  

I loved the bright green moss on the rocks.  Kind of wanted to kidnap them and throw them in my back yard but I was a good girl and left them there.  

When we arrived home, G thanked me for helping him and driving him around.  I was grateful for that dreaded, boring of all boring merit badges.  There's no way I want my boys to earn all their merit badges at camps.  This is just one of the way we mothers earn our Mother's pin when our boys are awarded their Eagle Scout award.  And more importantly than that, we've enjoyed the time together, we do things we never would have done, and we're creating memories together.  I couldn't have done that if I had done all those other things on my to do list for the day.  

It was the perfect day and the perfect merit badge.  Grateful for Environmental Science.  :)

We are all the same

The girls and I went to Z Gallerie today.  Somehow we got there without a stroller so it was a bit of a nightmare.  It's definitely a "put your hands in your pockets" store.  Thing is...both the girls had their babies with them, so the hands were out and the girls were in heaven looking at or rather, touching all the shiny decor around the store. 


An African American male came over to me while pointing to B, and asked, "How did she decide on her doll?"  It's a little black baby.  It was kind of awkward knowing what he was insinuating but not coming right out and saying .  Then I just said, "She picked it out and she loves it."   He smiled and told me how cool that was.  (Meaning a white child carrying around her beloved black baby doll.)  I know I'm not being politically correct here, but that's not what this is about. He admitted that he is now 47 years old and that never would have been seen when he was a child.  He then told me of some story that has been in the news and the big question was, "How do your teach your children that?"  Then he said, "Just like that I guess."  Then he said how cool it was again.  


I remember when D and I submitted our adoption papers seven years ago.  That's crazy to think about!  How could it have been so long ago?  Anyway, on the paper work you can be very specific as to what ethnicity you're willing to go with.  D and I looked at each other and then began checking off each box.  We were fine with any baby.  It didn't matter to us.  We just wanted a baby girl.  


So when the man asked about B and her baby, I felt like he was asking me.  It was so simple.  I had just wanted a baby.  When B saw those dolls at Target, it was such a sweet and tender moment that I had to get it for her.  


We wandered into the mall this morning without thinking a thing about it.  It made that guys day.  I know that because after about our fourth time circling the store, he came over to B and asked her, "Where did your baby go?"  I had to tell him that she was in my purse because B was having a fit and wanted to leave the store, now.  It was very interesting.  He paid no attention to S and her baby, just B and her baby.  It made me feel like there has been some change in this country.  I haven't done some monumental thing.  Actually, yes I have.  Because actions speak louder than words.  It made me proud.  Actually, I'm crying right now.  Happy to know that I'm teaching good things and that I made that man's day.  


Tonight we discussed some things similar to this for FHE.  We talked about religion, ethnicity, nationality, race, income, sexual preference, and many other things and how it just doesn't matter.... We are all the same!